What is this Feeling?

And as much as I wish it was; it is neither sudden nor new. Every so often, I reach this sort of slump in my life. I guess you could call it depression, but I do not really feel like the word fits.

For the past few days, nothing has really captured my interest. I have found myself tiring of people’s company much sooner than I usually do. I have this feeling of melancholy and sadness, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what is causing it. I was not like this last week. My only conclusion is the fact that Sunday was Valentine’s Day. See, as far as I am concerned, the only relationships I need are my friendships. There are very few people I would consider my true friends, but as long as I have them, I will be okay. Any type of romantic relationship would test my limits of patience, and I feel like the chances of finding someone that special to me are slim to none. So as long as friends are near, I will be perfectly happy.

Now if only I could get myself to believe that.

The thing is; when I get into this kind of mood, I do want someone. I want someone who will hold me and tell me that it will be alright. Someone who will be there everyday when I wake up, and who I can tell everything. Someone who will accept everything that I am without question. I guess I look for unconditional love because that is what I am prepared to give.

And then I hate myself for thinking like this. When I am doing fine, these are weak thoughts. I AM strong enough to get through life on my own, and dependence on another person is a weakness that I cannot afford. Because when you let someone else close, you are only giving them fodder to hurt you. And though I say what other people think does not matter, I am a filthy hypocrite, okay? I have already accepted that I will most likely not find someone who will fill this void for two reasons. One, I am a very easy person to annoy, and finding someone who I would be willing to make this kind of commitment to would be nigh impossible. Two: I am, to put it bluntly, a freak. I like myself the way I am, but I know that I can put other people off. So the odds that someone else would ever feel this way about me are also very slim. I am also gay, so that narrows my perspective considerably. (For those of you who did not know that about me, SURPRISE!! And if it makes you unhappy, keep in mind that I have been this way since before we were friends and you liked me all the same.)

So I guess the whole point of this rant is to say that I am fine on my own, but would like to find that special someone. However, hopes are not too high at the moment. C’est la vie, I suppose.

I want to apologise for doing this to you guys. If you actually know me, then you have witness one of my few moments of weakness. Do with this information what you will. And do not think any less of me. I am still the arrogant guy you all have grown to know and love, I just happen to have a softer side. Who knew, right?

-Ryujin

PS On a less depressing note, I have decided to change how I am doing my listen-to-all-my-music thing. If I like or dislike five songs by the same artist, then I will allow myself to skip that artist from that point on. I feel that this will speed things up considerably.

Songs Listened To: 111/8255

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5 Comments

Filed under Irrational, life, Music

5 responses to “What is this Feeling?

  1. Noah, dearest, I sympathize. I definitely understand where you’re coming from, but mine is sort of backwards from yours. I depend on one person, and not friendships; I’ve made that quite obvious once everyone left for college. I prefer to be left alone, and forgotten about once everyone left.

    And also: I love the fact that you’re gay. I’ve always had a feeling you were, and I adore you all the same. Maybe even more, because we can gossip about boys. (Girls are too catty.)

    I do hope you figure things out, love.

  2. If you ever need to talk, though; you know my door’s open.

    And, to be honest, you’ll figure things out. I trust that about you.

  3. I love you, honey. Hold tight to your knitting needles, and every time you make a stitch, think of the person who taught you and how much she cares about you. We all love you. Don’t you dare ever forget it.

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