Tag Archives: Fuck this shit

What is this Feeling?

And as much as I wish it was; it is neither sudden nor new. Every so often, I reach this sort of slump in my life. I guess you could call it depression, but I do not really feel like the word fits.

For the past few days, nothing has really captured my interest. I have found myself tiring of people’s company much sooner than I usually do. I have this feeling of melancholy and sadness, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what is causing it. I was not like this last week. My only conclusion is the fact that Sunday was Valentine’s Day. See, as far as I am concerned, the only relationships I need are my friendships. There are very few people I would consider my true friends, but as long as I have them, I will be okay. Any type of romantic relationship would test my limits of patience, and I feel like the chances of finding someone that special to me are slim to none. So as long as friends are near, I will be perfectly happy.

Now if only I could get myself to believe that.

The thing is; when I get into this kind of mood, I do want someone. I want someone who will hold me and tell me that it will be alright. Someone who will be there everyday when I wake up, and who I can tell everything. Someone who will accept everything that I am without question. I guess I look for unconditional love because that is what I am prepared to give.

And then I hate myself for thinking like this. When I am doing fine, these are weak thoughts. I AM strong enough to get through life on my own, and dependence on another person is a weakness that I cannot afford. Because when you let someone else close, you are only giving them fodder to hurt you. And though I say what other people think does not matter, I am a filthy hypocrite, okay? I have already accepted that I will most likely not find someone who will fill this void for two reasons. One, I am a very easy person to annoy, and finding someone who I would be willing to make this kind of commitment to would be nigh impossible. Two: I am, to put it bluntly, a freak. I like myself the way I am, but I know that I can put other people off. So the odds that someone else would ever feel this way about me are also very slim. I am also gay, so that narrows my perspective considerably. (For those of you who did not know that about me, SURPRISE!! And if it makes you unhappy, keep in mind that I have been this way since before we were friends and you liked me all the same.)

So I guess the whole point of this rant is to say that I am fine on my own, but would like to find that special someone. However, hopes are not too high at the moment. C’est la vie, I suppose.

I want to apologise for doing this to you guys. If you actually know me, then you have witness one of my few moments of weakness. Do with this information what you will. And do not think any less of me. I am still the arrogant guy you all have grown to know and love, I just happen to have a softer side. Who knew, right?

-Ryujin

PS On a less depressing note, I have decided to change how I am doing my listen-to-all-my-music thing. If I like or dislike five songs by the same artist, then I will allow myself to skip that artist from that point on. I feel that this will speed things up considerably.

Songs Listened To: 111/8255

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Filed under Irrational, life, Music

Worst. Ride. EVER.

Generally speaking, the trip from St. Charles, where I live, to Kirksville, where I go to college, takes about three to three and half hours.

Today, it took seven and a half.

Missi and I left around 1:00 in the afternoon, planning on getting back at about 4:30, 5 o’clock at the latest. And then we hit traffic. Not so bad, until we narrowly missed a huge pile-up. And of course, the car starts rattling every time we give it gas. So we pull over about 50 miles from home. We call Missi’s parents, who get in their cars and start heading out to get us. McDonald’s being the only place with heating and seating nearby, we go in and work on homework. For two and a half hours.

Missi’s family gets there, we switch cars and are headed back on our way, the time now being 5:00; the time we were originally planning on reaching Kirksville. And then we hit more traffic. Not only do we hit traffic, but it hits back. We literally sit in the same place for ten minutes, move for a few, and then sit some more. The 49 miles to Columbia takes us two hours. It is now 7:00, we should have gotten back two hours before, and we still have an hour left before we get back.

The last leg actually went rather well, fortunately. Long story short, for various reasons I have a new found annoyance/hatred for the following: People who go the MIZZOU, cops, Mexicans, Wendy’s, and people in general.

Sorry for the rant, but it pissed me off, and thus I bring it to you.

-Ryujin

2 Comments

Filed under Mexico, MIZZOU, Truman